Long live rock, I need it every night

Monday, June 25, 2007

Prime Minister Blair--A Farewell Tribute

If you follow the news as closely as I do, you will have doubtless noted that Prime Minister Blair will be leaving office soon. I thought this would be an appropriate time to look back at Blair's tenure, and show respeck for all the things the PM has done for rock-n-roll.

1) Blair's time in office saw the rise of what became known as "Britpop," which involved fey young men in tight trousers prancing about like they were members of the Bolshoi Ballet. This was seen as a complete reversal of 60 years of poor dental hygiene, offensive body odor (odour?), and disgusting food. The world was much pleased, and termed it the era of "Cool Britannia."

Would you like to see my drawrings? Would you?

Blair's role in this was integral. In the episode entitled "Kids Can Be Cruel", you may remember that Dan Frischman showed up all like, yo, I want to go out with you Blair. Not only was Frischman--better known as "Arvid", from Head of the Class--a dork, but he also was a fan of the Grateful Dead. To quote Blair's top adviser, Mrs. Garrett: if they're dead, why are they so grateful?

To this, there was great merriment, and Arvid was the subject of much derision.

Blair deftly ended this controversy by labeling Arvid "Pizzaface", refusing to go to the prom with him, and by treating him like a right fucking git and telling him to sod off. Thus ended the stranglehold of the hippies on pop radio, ushering in the likes of Oasis and Blur. Well done, Prime Minister Blair!

2) Blair also solidified the nexus between power politics, rock music, and Hollywood. Blair and George Clooney were particularly close and it's rumored that Blair and Clooney often snogged and maybe shagged once, while Tootie watched and diddled her fanny in the corner of Number 10 Downing Street. Hey, you take the good, you take the bad. That's how Blair rolled.

3) Blair's tenure was not without controversy. The PM took a lot of heat for what is known as "The Special Relationship." This refers to Blair's retarded cousin, Geri. Geri, who was--and still is--retarded, was a real buzzkill, and Blair assumed that it would be okay to follow the Arvid template, and tell her to get bent, you fucking spazzo, Bob's yer uncle, etc etc.

Geri: Let's go to the party, Blaih.
Blair: Fuck off, geezer.

However, this action was roundly condemned, especially by Blair's then-crush, Manchester United washout Gavin Rossdale, lead singer of Bush. The Bush-Blair fall-out resulted in Rossdale snubbing Blair's invite to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Instead, Rossdale went with fellow mediocrity Gwen Stefani, and he later fingered her in the back seat of his dad's Dodge Stratus. Sources say Blair was absolutely crushed when Natalie delivered the news. Astute political observers say this episode marked the beginning of the end of the Blair Era. Meanwhile, Bush's approval ratings fell to record lows.

Bush: Ratings Fell After Stefani Fingering Incident

Anyway, I'd just like to say to Prime Minister Blair, on behalf of DC Rock Club, well done, cheerio, and many thanks for your contributions to rock. You shall be missed.

PM Blair: History Will Judge You Kindly


Potsy said...


Jimbromski said...

not obscene, thought-provoking. besides, it's all historical fact.

Potsy said...

I did enjoy how you wove together disparate "facts" to create a compelling, though obscene, story (a la Forest Gump).

Jimbromski said...

Really, if you just overlook the fingering, it's not that obscene.

Potsy said...

I've never been one to overlook something like that. Nor shall I begin here. Also, claiming that Geri is "retarded" is a bit harsh. Especially when you know full well that she is only half retarded. The other half is due to her being one of "Jerry's Kids."

Jumbo Slice said...

Once again, Jimbromski shows why he's the official historian of Rock Club. I love the whole post, especially the labels. That's exactly what I hoped for when I made the new template.