A Place to Bury Strangers
October 22, 2008
It's a bold move, scheduling a late show on a Wednesday night. It's an even bolder move when you're a band that not that many people give a fuck about. A Place To Bury Strangers are a bold band. Here are some areas where boldness pays off:
- Tank warfare: find a gap, send the 60-ton monsters through it, and race to Moscow
- Swashbuckling: why fight just one motherfucker? Swing from the chandelier with your sabre slashing and lay waste to the whole room
- Painting: fuck you and your fucking pussy-assed controlled brushstrokes--just throw that goddamn paint on the canvas, then get drunk and beat your wife
I'd like to salvage this worthless review while I still can and appeal to our readership to give Potsy some Halloween costume ideas. I got to his house before the show and he said, "let's workshop my Halloween costume."
"Okay," I said. "Let's hear it."
"Swing voter--I was thinking of wearing both candidates' buttons, and..."
"Veto. Gay. What's your next idea?"
"Okay, how about 'undecided voter'?"
It was at this point that I stood up, pulled my pants down and placed my nutsack in his mouth. These are the stupidest ideas I've ever heard. This being DC, there's going to be countless Capitol Hill-types with witty, topical, political costumes. Find all these people and punch them in their faces, hard.
That's not to say that I'm not politically engaged. I've thought of two awesome ideas for the campaign that I want to sell to the highest bidder. First, has anyone made a "McCain't" shirt? It seems so obvious, someone must have thought of it already. Second, I want to start the rumor that Michelle Obama is actually Omarosa from "The Apprentice"--after the show she moved to Chicago, changed her name because people fucking hated her so much, then married Barama. That rumor alone could cause a massive shift in voter preferences--you remember Omarosa? She sucked. And now she's gonna be First Lady.
But politics on Halloween--don't do it. You're not funny and you're not original. Here are my suggestions to Potsy:
- 1950s milkman: can't go wrong with a profession and milkmen have cool white uniforms
- 1890s strongman: these are the guys that have the round barbells with "1000 Pounds" painted on them. You could make the barbells out of styrofoam. Plus has the added advantage that you could make strength jokes all night and offer to lift heavy things for people.
- 1980s stand up comedian: one of my friends tried this back in the 90s and couldn't pull it off. Perhaps it was too soon. But now, I believe, people are ready for a man wearing a mock turtleneck and a sportcoat with the sleeves pushed up. Spend the night making observational jokes. What's the deal with candy corn? It's not corn...etc etc.
- John Cusack: Potsy looks like Cusack so this would be easy. The obvious choice would be Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything, but the dark horse choice would be lovelorn Jake from 2005's Must Love Dogs. Man, what an understated, nuanced performance that was.