Long live rock, I need it every night

Monday, October 27, 2008

A Place to Bury the Audience

A Place to Bury Strangers
October 22, 2008
9:30 Club

It's a bold move, scheduling a late show on a Wednesday night. It's an even bolder move when you're a band that not that many people give a fuck about. A Place To Bury Strangers are a bold band. Here are some areas where boldness pays off:

  • Tank warfare: find a gap, send the 60-ton monsters through it, and race to Moscow
  • Swashbuckling: why fight just one motherfucker? Swing from the chandelier with your sabre slashing and lay waste to the whole room
  • Painting: fuck you and your fucking pussy-assed controlled brushstrokes--just throw that goddamn paint on the canvas, then get drunk and beat your wife
Here's an area where boldness doesn't pay off--indie band touring schedules. I think there were 15 people there. I introduced myself to everyone in attendance and now we're all friends. We're meeting at my house next week to watch "Mad Men." It's not a good night for you when your band's name has more letters in it than the number of people in attendance. And what can I tell you about A Place to Bury Strangers that you don't know already? They're loud as shit and they sound like Jesus and Mary Chain. Fine. It's better than being really quiet and sounding like a morbidly obese man with gastrointestinal distress.

I'd like to salvage this worthless review while I still can and appeal to our readership to give Potsy some Halloween costume ideas. I got to his house before the show and he said, "let's workshop my Halloween costume."

"Okay," I said. "Let's hear it."
"Swing voter--I was thinking of wearing both candidates' buttons, and..."
"Veto. Gay. What's your next idea?"
"Okay, how about 'undecided voter'?"

It was at this point that I stood up, pulled my pants down and placed my nutsack in his mouth. These are the stupidest ideas I've ever heard. This being DC, there's going to be countless Capitol Hill-types with witty, topical, political costumes. Find all these people and punch them in their faces, hard.

That's not to say that I'm not politically engaged. I've thought of two awesome ideas for the campaign that I want to sell to the highest bidder. First, has anyone made a "McCain't" shirt? It seems so obvious, someone must have thought of it already. Second, I want to start the rumor that Michelle Obama is actually Omarosa from "The Apprentice"--after the show she moved to Chicago, changed her name because people fucking hated her so much, then married Barama. That rumor alone could cause a massive shift in voter preferences--you remember Omarosa? She sucked. And now she's gonna be First Lady.

But politics on Halloween--don't do it. You're not funny and you're not original. Here are my suggestions to Potsy:
  • 1950s milkman: can't go wrong with a profession and milkmen have cool white uniforms
  • 1890s strongman: these are the guys that have the round barbells with "1000 Pounds" painted on them. You could make the barbells out of styrofoam. Plus has the added advantage that you could make strength jokes all night and offer to lift heavy things for people.
  • 1980s stand up comedian: one of my friends tried this back in the 90s and couldn't pull it off. Perhaps it was too soon. But now, I believe, people are ready for a man wearing a mock turtleneck and a sportcoat with the sleeves pushed up. Spend the night making observational jokes. What's the deal with candy corn? It's not corn...etc etc.
  • John Cusack: Potsy looks like Cusack so this would be easy. The obvious choice would be Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything, but the dark horse choice would be lovelorn Jake from 2005's Must Love Dogs. Man, what an understated, nuanced performance that was.
Feel free to chime in with suggestions in comments. I'll start with "Human Butt Plug."


Jimbromski said...

Costume Idea: Human Butt Plug.

Also, a good porn title: Must Like Doggy Style.

Anonymous said...

Lloyd Dobler is a good costume for the single fella...shows sensitivity AND strength (Hello? Kickboxing - sport of the future!) which the ladies love. Plus, he's so romantic, and all you need is a black coat and an oversized radio.

You could also go as a goth guy with a knife and when girls ask what you are, you could say, "I'm a lady-killah" and wink. Okay, so it might creep some girls out. Whatever. You gotta take risks for your art.

sacklunch said...

I like going to shows at the 930 Club when it is not completely packed, however, the APTBS show was so sparsely attended that the space seemed cavernous. Probably not a good idea to play a 3-bill late show on a Wednesday night. They weredecent, though having seen them 2 1/2 times now, I think I am officially done with APTBS.

Jimbromski loves Halloween and Halloween costumes. I think my shining moment was the year I dressed up as the sketch drawing of the Unabomber. It was such a simple costume, yet everyone knew who I was. Worst costume goes to Potsy as Han Solo (circa 1995). The stripe on his pants kept coming off and Han Solo is soooooo played.

An in other news, Happy Birthday to Jimbromski. I think he is now officially in his late 30's. Any big plans?

Potsy said...

yes. Happy birthday Jimbromski.

I concede the fact that I never pick good halloween costumes. It is not my strength. However, I should set the record straight. I wasn't suggesting "Swing Voter," I was suggesting "Swinger Voter." A variation on the theme - think sleazy guy who wants to do it in the voting booth. Still lame? Probably. But I wasn't wanting to go as Kevin fucking Costner.

Nice pat on your own back, sacklunch. Reliving your old glory days on the football field again?

Anonymous said...

potsy told me he was going as gilligan. again.

i vote for lloyd dobler. the ladies will go bananas.

Anonymous said...

Damn Finman, I thought you left this world of greed and corruption to head off to a peaceful family life...turns out you're pushing the same shit as everyone else? WTF ass monkey? Don't let me catch you hiding in the alley next to the 9:30 with your boyfriends cause I'm gonna get me a piece too.

Anonymous said...

If you're going with a John Cusack character, I'd think long and hard about Bryce from "Sixteen Candles." You could sit around and talk about things like female extraterrestrials, black-and-white photography, etc. Slightly more obscure than Lloyd Dobler, so you run less of a risk of running into someone with the same costume.

Jimbromski said...

Jeff, nice to see you haven't changed, still threatening me with ass-rape. How's the gump these days?

Re Cusack, Potsy should go as Cusack's character in 1408. Then get someone short to be the midget that attacks him with the claw hammer. Awesome scene.

Anonymous said...

Der Grump is struggling brother, it's in the news. Digging the blog, wish I had time to get out and see some of these shows you're writing about...
Get in touch Finman, lunch is on me if you're in town during the weekday.

Gardner said...

I just happened upon this review and it's spot on. I've seen them a number of times now and this was by far the worst show they've done, owing entirely to the total lack of energy in the room.

I'm not necessarily done with APTBS, but until they write some new material that flushes out the sonic palette, I'm on hiatus.

Jimbromski said...

I didn't think they were bad, necessarily, but yeah, hard to put on a good show when the venue is that big and the crowd is that sparse. Just a dumb move, I don't think they're big enough to headline 9:30 and they're certainly not big enough to headline AND pull off a late show on a weeknight.

Gardner said...

They must have been feeling themselves after the totally amazing show they did at Rock&Roll Hotel. I still think they're a great band.

Did you go see Bad Brains tonight? Fucking awesome.