The Rock Review Template

We in Rock Club aren't the most sophisticated of rock critics. We don't focus intently every minute, picking apart the acumen of each musician, or the lyrical merits of each song. It's not like were idiots that sit around and argue about whose dog farts the loudest. We just don't overanalyze the rock. Here's how we break down each band. It's what I call The Rock Review Template:

1. First Impression - Example: Black Tie Revue can't possible be good with a singer that resembles Hurley from "Lost" (he's the fatty for those of you who don't watch)
2. Who do these clowns look like? Example: Jimbromski pegged the lead singer from Art Brut as "Brian Eno with a mustache".
3. Who do these guys sound like? Example: Bang Bang Bang sounds like a really shitty Spin Doctors cover band. If I could come up with a more insulting comparison for Bang to the third, I would. They suck, which leads me to the fourth part of the Template...
4. Do they suck? Example: "Wow, Bang Bang Bang REALLY sucks"

With that in mind, let's discuss The Fake Accents/Evangelicals show. (side note: I'm going to pretend the Arboretum set never happened. I know I'm passing up some good jokes b/c their dad was playing drums, but I'm trying hard to just forget their long, boring, rock jam.) My first impression of The Fake Accents: "Wow, they have an Asian chick as their bassist. They must be good." I then excused myself and went to the bathroom and touched myself. Repeatedly. I cleaned up in time to see the Fake Accents entire set. Right about now you're probably asking yourself, "Who did look like"? Excellent question. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Fake Accents:

The main singer was a tall, goofy guy who really got into the songs. The herky-jerky movements reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite and his nasty dance moves.

Their Asian bassist reminded me of Margaret Yang from the movie, "Rushmore". You don't agree? Let me ask you something. Who's the expert on Asian women here? Is it you? No. That's right, it's me, so just shut the hell up.


The other guitarist and singer looked like the skinny dude from "Road Trip". He was in a couple other movies but I can't think of any right now. I'll just point you to IMDB.com. I'm not going to do all the work here.



Finally, their drummer. I couldn't think of anything good, so I'll cop out and say he looked like Animal from the Muppets since he was pretty hairy and like to flail his arms (as drummers are apt to do).

The Fake Accents had a Sonic Youth vibe going: lanky lead singer, hairy drummer, female bassist, and a peculiar looking fourth member. And they did sound like SY on certain songs: ample feedback, reverb, and distortion, along with some big mid-song transitions. The Fake Accents wear their influences on the sleeves of their ironic t-shirts and lucky for me, I happen to like the same bands. They're clearly fans of Pavement and Superchunk. Onstage they demonstrated a bit of "fuck you and just rock" attitude. You have to love that. The attitude was verified after they show when they heard me mention Cedars (a local band that wants to be the next Coldplay). They inserted their way into our conversation just to let me know they absolutely hated Cedars and they thought they sucked ass. Not unlike we hate other local rock clubs who envy our superior rocking abilities (Yeah I'm talking about you, Reston Rock Club #409!).

Summary: The Fake Accents are a solid young band that will give you a free CD if you mention you're reviewing their show on a blog (I actually ending up giving them $5 so I wouldn't be a total whore). I give the show a 6.4.

Wow, I put way too much time into reviewing The Fake Accents. I'm going to half-ass my thoughts on the Evangelicals. Thank god for the Template.

My first impression was, "what's with the fucking fog machine"? The Evangelicals asked for all the lights to be turned off and then cranked up the fog machine to the point you literally couldn't see the band. It was just one loud black cloud. This killed my ability to play the "Celebrity They Most Resemble" game so I'll focus on the sound. They definitely remind me of The Flaming Lips at times and The Unicorns (may they RIP). I only stayed for 6 or 7 songs, but not because they sucked. They were good, but I'm guessing it wasn't their best show ever. Maybe I'll see them again when they play The State Theatre on Oct. 4th (that's the next time I pick the show, bitches). We'll see. Rock Club rating: 5.3.