Long live rock, I need it every night

Monday, June 22, 2009

I Said Shut Up

9:30 Club

June 18, 2009

Honey, would you come in here, please? We need to talk. Yes, I realize you're listening to your new Dead Can Dance album. And I'm excited for you. But please, I must tell you something. I heard a band today and let me tell you, they're going to be massive. They're called Metric. Yes, like the system. Well done, honey.

You see, although they're Canadian, I don't find them stultifyingly tedious and smug. In fact, their songs are quite catchy.

Yes, uhhh, I'll have the prime rib with the leek reduction, and my wife will have the pate.

Oh, I know that annoys you, when I order for you. Cute.

Look, don't get all upset because I like Metric. It's not their fault that their synth/guitar combo is reminiscent of such great bands as New Order, and not-so-great-but-still-good bands like Book of Love. I can dance to their songs with with the rest of the guys from Equities when we're out clubbing, but they're still rock enough that I can listen to them while I lift weights. Have you noticed I've been filling out this tank top? No, you never notice anything.

And Metric's lead singer--Emily Haines--well, she's just really sexy. Like Debbie Harry in her prime.

Yes, I suppose I do compare the two of you. Look, she has an up-to-date haircut. You look like a hedgehog shat on your head. Why do you consciously try to resemble Howard Jones?

Oh, a note. For me? Okay, I'll read it.

"Uhh uhh tell me how my ass taste"

Oh, that's mature. Nice. Look, I'll be frank here. You need to grow up.

Wow, here we are at dinner again. Wait! Is that Emily Haines?

Ah, no. Just someone who looks like her.

Listen, I know I've been going on about Metric, but you can learn from them. Like that song "Gimme Sympathy"? Probably single of the year. It's about following your dreams and never giving up, never! So chin up!

Hey, babe, I thought Bela Lugosi was dead!

Okay, that was mean. But you do look, how shall I say, lifelike, in that outfit. I buy you all kinds of clothes and you never wear them.

Remember when I said you looked like Howard Jones? You don't. You look like Martin Gore.

Is that the look you're going for, here?

I'm running out of patience here. Metric is awesome live and are going to be playing arenas soon. And here you are, refusing to listen to me.

Don't pout, baby. It makes me....uhh...Martin Gore...Howard Jones...

/sex noises

Wow, here we are at the Metric show. I'm glad you finally came around.

I'm also glad that everyone chose to dress up. That's nice.

That's a rat tail, yes? Your goal here is to emulate the most disgusting animal on earth. No, not the rat. The possum.

You know, I was thinking of Emily the whole time we were having sex.

Oh no, no!

Don't sing your songs, no one wants to hear your Berklee nonsense! These people came to see Metric! Metric, damn you!

Shut up, woman!



Jumbo Slice said...

This ranks with "Here We Go Fuck Yourself" as one of the best reviews this year. Definitely the most original.

I wonder how many Gen Y (Bullenium kids) understand the 'Til Tuesday reference. That's from the golden age of music videos.

sacklunch said...

Not sure how you got to 'Til Tuesday w/ the Metric show, but still amusing nonetheless.

I actually thought the Iran video was going to be a prelude to the Metric review, as we saw that drunk kid getting beat down by the po-lice outside the club. I have to say, even though I was unable to get a ticket for the show, that scene with the underage folks was quite entertaining.

Potsy said...

I have no idea what this is trying to tell me. It's like watching Don Knotts do Shakespeare in the Park.