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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Show Preview/What Is To Be Done?

Our next show will be Drive-By Truckers at Klub 9:30 on Saturday, February 21. I don't own any music by this group but I hear them a lot on the radio so I'm a little familiar with them. Didn't Jason Isbell leave the group? Anyway, I'm looking forward to songs about huntin' dogs, drinking, and male fellowship.

Okay, on to part deux of this post. What is it with the fucking chimps these days? If you follow the news you'll note this chimp attack in Connecticut where a woman was de-faced by a pet chimp. If you follow all chimp-related news, like I do, you'll know that this last chimp atrocity is merely the latest of a long line of chimp-slaps. In 2005 St. James Davis got his--no joke--dick and nose bitten off by a chimp, who had escaped from an adjoining pen as the unfortunate Mr. Davis and wife were celebrating a birthday party with their chimp, Moe:

The couple had brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when Buddy and Ollie, two of the four chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, attacked St. James Davis, said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for the state Department of Fish and Game. Moe was not involved in the attack. Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield that the monkeys chewed most of Davis' face off and that he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose. Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian that the chimps also tore off Davis' testicles and foot.


To quote Molly Ringwald's older sister in Sixteen Candles--you make someone a bridesmaid, and they shit all over you. Except, replace "make someone a bridesmaid" with "throw your chimp a birthday party," and "they shit all over you" with "their next-door neighbors escape from their cages and gnaw your sack and face." Jesus.

And from where does all this simian aggression originate, I ask you? Haven't we always treated the chimps like the great apes that they pretend to be? Are the gorillas, baboons, and orangutans assaulting us? Fuck and no, is the answer. Here's a gorilla in action:



See? Boy falls in gorilla pen. Gorilla goes over to check on his well-being, starts grooming him. If he had stayed in there any longer he would have shared a banana cream pie with him and introduced him to the rest of the pod.

Listen, chimps can be a force for good. Put them in a diaper. Dress them in business suits. Teach them to give other people the finger while they ride in the cab of your truck. Strap some roller skates to their odd hand-like feet. They're versatile animals. And I certainly can't condemn someone for behaviors--poo-flinging, public masturbation, to name a few--that I myself have indulged in. But this shit's gone too far, my friends. I'm not saying exterminate all chimps. But I'm not not saying that, either, you dig me?

Sorry to rant, but I had to get this off of my chest. Will report back on Drive-By Truckers after said show. And by the way I exempt Oliver the Humanzee from this diatribe. He's okay with me because he's human enough to have some decency, gratitude and common sense.

6 comments:

Jimbromski said...

PS The Buddy/Ollie Story: The Day the Scrotum Died

Potsy said...

The p.s. should be the subtitle. Buddy Ollie. That's effing great.

Jimbromski said...

"The Day the Scrotum Died" doesn't really fit though

rick m said...

Why are you junking up DC YouTubesday Club with this concert shit?

Potsy said...

Orangutan story on NPR this morning. Whistling ape. Taught herself to whistle. I don't think I could have taught myself to whistle. And I have the cool thumbs, and whatnot.

Jimbromski said...

clearly gorillas and orangutans are vaulting over chimps in the list of Most Favored Apes