ROCKWAR! Blam! Pow! Boof! Whammo!

Welcome to the first installment of ROCKWARS, which may become a semi-regular feature here at DC Rock Club. We members of Rock Club like nothing more than to bicker with each other, like a bunch of yenta women. Or better yet, like those guys from the Dockers commercials, only with 47% more douchiness.

We can argue about anything and often we each stake out extreme positions, the better which to piss off the other guy. For example, in 1996 Potsy asserted, with much certainty, that paper money would be obsolete by 2010. And here we are in 2008 and we’re still using the shit. We’ll always have paper money, because we need something with which to snort coke, and also because you can’t make it rain in the strip club with electronic debits.

Did I mention these arguments usually involve alcohol? Well, they do. I probably should have said that at the outset.

Okay, so the first ROCKWAR is the following: Boston is better than Steely Dan. I will be arguing the affirmative, and Sacklunch will argue the negative. Although I predict once he sees the onslaught of science and math that I will deploy, he’ll wuss the fuck out.

Category: ALBUM SALES

Sack’s first argument was that Steely Dan has better albums than Boston. My response to this is, dude, shut the fuck up, man. Everyone knows that the music biz is all about shifting units and nobody shifted units like Boston. For the sake of this argument we’ll ignore both bands’ later comeback albums, and focus on their glory years: 1972-1980 for Steely Dan, and 1976-1978 for Boston. Steely Dan released seven albums over that period: Can’t Buy a Thrill, Countdown to Ecstasy, Pretzel Logic, Katy Lied, The Royal Scam, Aja, and Gaucho. Aja was the top seller, hitting number 3 on the charts and going 2x platinum (equal to 2 million albums sold) as of 2008. Not bad.

Boston, on the other hand, was like a salmon, swimming upstream, busting a nut, and then quickly dying off. Also, like a salmon, they released only two albums, the self-titled Boston, and More Than a Feeling. Boston hit number 3, while More Than a Feeling went to the toppermost of the poppermost and hit number 1. As of 2008 Boston is 17x platinum (17 million sold) and More Than a Feeling is 7x platinum.

VERDICT: Boston, in a walk. Not only did their total album sales dwarf Steely Dan’s—24 million to 7.5 million—they did it all in only two (glorious) years. This is akin to Franco Harris taking 12 years to rush 12,120 yards, and he’s all like, wow, I’m a great running back, and then Barry Sanders comes along and rushes for 15,269 yards in only nine years, and then says, hey, fuck the NFL, I’m gonna go sell aluminum siding now.

Category: BAND NAME

Steely Dan named themselves after a dildo. That’s pretty cool, although the reference is from Naked Lunch, which is a little pretentious. Still, it’s better than naming yourself after a city.

VERDICT: Steely Dan. Let the baby have his bottle, I say.

Category: SONGS

Okay, this category is totally subjective, meaning I shall basically call everything I dislike “gay”, and everything I like “awesome”. Let’s begin.

I don’t dislike Steely Dan, I’m just sayin’ they’re overrated and aren’t as good as Boston. A quick look at their top songs shall prove this. Let’s rank their catalog, from best to worst:

Do It Again: This one’s pretty boss. Calling people “Jack” is a cool jazz mannerism that I endorse.
Dirty Work: Man, I had no idea this was Steely Dan. I thought it was Carly Simon, or someshit. Good song.

"Dirty Work" (Can't Buy A Thrill, 1972)


My Old School: Sack and I both went to William and Mary so we can dig this one. Would have been better if they had namedropped Burke instead of Annandale, but I’ll overlook that.
Peg: I like this song, but only because it reminds me of De La Soul’s “Me, Myself and I”.
Reelin’ In The Years: Yeah, okay.
Black Cow: Take my big black cow and get out of here? What the fuck are you talking about? And what will we do for dairy?
Deacon Blues: Whoa, stop. Lame easy listening crap.
Hey Nineteen: More of the same.
Kid Charlemagne: Crap song, and additional points deducted for inspiring the Hold Steady.
Rikki Don’t Lose That Number: Hmmm. I much prefer the Phil Collins version, “Don’t Lose My Number,” which is about Billy, who is probably a hotter piece of ass than Rikki, given that it’s Collins looking to get in there, versus Fagen/Becker.