Long live rock, I need it every night

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Guitars and the Guitarists Who Love Them

It's time for a list-style post. Lists are what drive society these days. Everybody loves lists. If Hitler had just renamed World War II as "The Top 6 Million People I'd Like To Kill," and televised it on VH1, history would have turned out differently. So here's a list of different types of guitars that rock people can sport, and what their choices say about them.

1) Flying V

The Flying V is a wise choice. You see a guy with a Flying V, and you know you're in for some epic solos. Guys who play the Flying V tend to jog around the stage, which is also cool, but works better with a big stage. Here is uber-rocker Michael Schenker with a Flying V. Das ist gut!

Flying V uber alles

A close cousin of the Flying V is something I call the modified parallelogram. This is a somewhat safer choice for beginners who cannot rock hard enough to pull off the Flying V. Also suitable for rhythm guitarists.

2) Retro

Usually a Rickenbacker, or some rockabilly-type thing. Fashionable, but beware: I have seen bands with retro guitars, perfect mod-style clothes, and great haircuts, who fucking sucked bad. Image is not everything, despite what Iranian-American/Brooke Shields Divorcer/Tennis Superstar Andre Agassi might have told you. Here's the Godfather himself with one:

3) Double Neck

Aww yeah. Double Necks are for virtuosos only, man. No amateurs need apply. If you're Jimmy Page, you use a violin bow for your solos:

Too Much Rock For Just One Neck

4) Triple/Quadruple/Quintuple/n-tuple Necks

See, now you're just gilding the lily. Two necks weren't enough for you? Here's Chris Squire from Yes, with a triple neck. Compare to Page. This is why Led Zeppelin are Norsemen heavy metal raiders who rape and pillage, and Yes are, well, Yes:

Yes...I am a douche

5) Small, Square Guitars

It was hard as shit to find a picture of this style but I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about here. It's a regular-sized guitar, only the area where the pickups are is really small. It looks super-gay. Here are some people who would play one of these: Clarence Clemons, the bass player for Dan Fogelberg's back-up band, the guitarist for Arsenio Hall's house band. As it is, I could only find a picture of Neil Schon--you may remember him from the supergroup HSAS, which stood for Hagar-Schon-Aaronson-Shrieve. To the best of my memory that was the only band he was in, and they broke up because he insisted on playing the small guitar:

Neil, Go Your Separate Ways From the Small, Square Guitar

6) Keytar

I can go either way on the keytar. Actually, no, I'm pretty consistent on this one--if you're not Devo, avoid the keytar. Even Jimi Hendrix used the keytar. He died shortly after this picture was taken. The medical examiner said that he choked on his keytar in the bathtub:

Are You Experienced (With the Keytar)?

Dude, go easy, my health insurance doesn't cover melting face!

Note that pigmentally-challenged 1970s superstar Edgar Winter does not technically play a keytar. It's just a synth with a strap, worn around his neck. Dumb fucking albino, I'm gonna lock you in a tanning bed until you promise not to play this anymore:

And there you have it. Did I miss anything? Perhaps we should cover other instruments, and thus create more lists, because LISTS ARE IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO READ.


Jumbo Slice said...

I love a good list. The keytar is a bad choice, but the small square guitar is worse.

People should be required to apply for the flying V. Example: Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. He plays a flying V. He should be limited to a modified parallelogram.

Jimbromski said...

Agreed, Cuomo doesn't have the chops to pull off the frenetic fingering and interstellar solos that the owner of a flying V must have. but he rocks it enough to have the mod-P.