Long live rock, I need it every night

Monday, January 07, 2008

We Are Officially Challenging the Veracity of "The Dirt"

Not to burst anyone's Crue-bubble, but some recent RC discussion has cast doubt on the veracity of Motley Crue's The Dirt and yesterday's excerpt only fuels the fire. Let's deal with yesterday's excerpt first.

1--I'm supposed to believe that Nikki Sixx grabbed this guy, held him still with one hand, and then, as if this party were taking place in Bob Vila's workshop, there's a hammer and a nail within reaching distance. Sixx--still holding the faux punk with one arm--grabs the hammer and nail, and using one hand (I am assuming his weak hand, as the dominant hand would be used for punk-restraining purposes), pushes this guy's earlobe flat against the table, steadies the nail, and hammers it in. That's no mean feat of craftsmanship. It would only work if he had help. And he says he did it all by himself. So either Nikki Sixx is lying, or he's hogging the spotlight. Either way, I don't approve.

2--Secondly, the famous dicks-in-the-breakfast-egg-burritos story. There are a number of holes in this one. In order:

Egg Burrito Story: fabricated?

(a) If you don't want your girl to smell the odor of recent groupie love on your dick, why not just wash your dick? Why ruin an egg burrito? Given that the burrito-fucking anecdote took place back in the band's early days, do you think they would spend good money on a tasty breakfast burrito, only to render it uneatable?

(b) Unless they stuck their dicks in the burritos and ate them afterwards. Dear God.

(c) But even if they did stick their dicks in the burritos, how did they do it? A quick trip to Chipotle, or any other burrito joint, reveals that the ends of the common burrito cannot be penetrated unless the burrito penetrator is aroused. And even then, it would be difficult. And I refuse to believe dudes bought burritos, fapped it until ready, then forced their way in. I just don't buy it.

Typical burrito in stage three of folding process. Note beginning of construction of impenetrable end. The same process will be repeated at the other end of the burrito, making it self-contained, and un-fuckable without significant human intervention.

(d) But maybe they bite off the end of the burrito, and then commence phallus cleansing. Like cutting the tip off of a cigar. However, most burritos are stuffed full of delicious filling and this would require that they first displace a generous quantity of egg. Again, wasteful. Poor, hungry musicians wouldn't do this.

(e) Finally, if these guys had sex with groupies all the time, as they claim, wouldn't the real problem arise when they didn't bang some hoochie, and then went to see their girlfriends? Hmm? Hmmm? Do you see? Let me refer you to the famous case of The Dog That Didn't Bark. The only scenario where their girls sniff something out of the ordinary is when they refrain from nailing the groupies. Then, you need the burrito. But then that takes us back to (a).

So I don't know what to believe now.


Anonymous said...

I would feel so much better if that whole book was a lie. And it's put me off breakfast burritos for good.

Anonymous said...

"Shit, if this is gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes."